Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
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Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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