Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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