if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
