This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize