New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
