they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
