friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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