It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize