My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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