I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
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In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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