When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
These tits shall not be calmed
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
