mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My ass is underappreciated
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
