There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
