Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
