I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
