Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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