my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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