I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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