and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
