I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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