and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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