Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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