Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
