yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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