Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm too high and old for this...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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