i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
