We're facebook friends in real life
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
