i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
