Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
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just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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