Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
