I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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