You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
