what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
4 words: hood of his car
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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