dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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