girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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