I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
