you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think I just sharted jello shots
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