I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
