im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
