i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
