ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
