Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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