you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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