Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
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There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
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Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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