nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
