I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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