Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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