I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
