dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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