my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
