I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
