There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
