If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
