At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
