i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
