he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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