Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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