Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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